As a follow up to the blog The 3-Question Rule, this post is going to explore another recommendation about thinking before speaking. A recommendation that comes up quite often is to consider “is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?” An internet search of the phrase brings up various sources, from a parable featuring Socrates (not verifiable as far as I can tell), to the Buddha, a Protestant missionary, and a radio talk show host, to name but a few. Much loved mystery writer Louise Penny has her wise Chief Inspector Gamache utter these words in A Better Man, the 2019 installment in the wonderful Three Pines mystery series.

On its face, the phrase seems fairly straightforward. As I pondered the words and read through some of the other versions of the mistakenly attributed Socrates story, the “is it necessary” portion of the phrase struck me differently. While interpreting it along the lines of “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” is fairly straightforward, as someone who works with people in conflict on a daily basis, the “necessary” aspect hit home in a different way.

A friend recently related to me that she is avoiding someone because she perceives all their interactions as negative, and my friend has no idea what she did to offend this other person. My friend assumes it may have something to do with a perception of political affiliation; rather than try and clear the air, my friend has decided it’s best to try and stay away from the other person, avoiding rather than taking time to approach the other person and try to clear the air. The place where my friend interacts with this person is extremely important to her, a place where she can be her true self and tap into her gifts. It is her “happy place,” but she is opting to expend energy and time to avoid having a potentially challenging “necessary” conversation. Recently she went to her “happy place” at a time when she expected the other person wouldn’t be there and ended up losing a whole afternoon of joyful creativity because the other person was there and my friend turned around and left. After two dinner conversations exploring how to address the situation, my friend is still opting to avoid the necessary conversation.

There are many resources out there that will help one have a difficult conversation; that is a post for a different day, as is digging into the aspect of “is it true.” In this day and age of perceived polarization “is it kind” deserves a longer discussion as well.

All that being said, there are times when it is necessary. For example, when team morale is suffering, the costs in terms of time and energy being expended to avoid the conversation are exacting too high a cost, or mistakes are happening because people aren’t willing to communicate, it is time for the “necessary” conversation. Next time you find yourself thinking through “is it true, is it kind, is it necessary,” think about the long-term costs of deciding it’s not necessary simply because it might be difficult.

Natalie C. Fleury, JD, Ombuds